After reading Deep, by James NestorI became enthused about freediving, its healing effects and the benefits it can bring. At first, my goal was to compete. Freediving allows you to start at a young age and achieve greatness. Natalia Molchanova is my idol and was one of the most successful freedivers. She began the sport in her 40s and won 23 golds before she tragically and untimely died. The sport is considered to be one of the most dangerous in the world. However, I was attracted by the tranquility of submersion underwater, my love of marine life and the profound connection with my body that I felt each time I dove beneath the waves. I was excited to try out this new sport, so I signed up for Lance Lee Davis’s freediving & spearfishing course.
Instagram makes freediving look glamorous. In one video, you can see me diving into the azure transparent waters of Bora BoraA seven-foot manta glides gracefully below me. I see svelte young women in bikinis with perfectly sculpted genitals, swimming with dolphins, and other sea animals. But freediving is not for everyone. California isn’t pretty. It’s not pretty.
Early this year, I took my Performance Freediving International PFI freediving class. DecemberThe water temperature in Redondo Beach is about 55 degrees. I bought a five-millimeter camouflage hooded wetsuit, topped with booties and gloves for warmth.
The struggle to make it past the breakers was brutal. I entered the salty water with a 5-pound weight belt around my waist, and long fins underneath one arm. Initially, I tried to jump over the wave break. This almost caused me to lose my face mask. I quickly learned that it was easier to dive directly under the waves. Swimming blindly through the murk, I managed to get past the break. It’s an endless 15-minute swimming journey to get there. diving spot.
My instructor had dropped a line and a buoy to measure the depth of our dive. I was tired. My dreams of competing in a competition were quickly dashed. Our first training session in a pool 12 feet deep was not enough to prepare us for diving headfirst underwater into an open ocean. We had to reach a consistent depth of 66 ft., or the equivalent of six stories of building, in order to pass level 1. At just 30 feet, I was quickly stumped with equalization issues, unable to do the tricky Frenzel—a complicated technique using the epiglottis to push air into the nasal cavity—to relieve the pressure in my ears and sinuses. After being disappointed and frustrated I went home to spend weeks learning about equalizing. I read, watched videos and took classes but still I couldn’t master the technique.
It was only after I realized that I was once again pushing my body in order to get results and not simply enjoy the freediving practice, that I felt heartbroken. I had grown accustomed using my body without compassion and feeling, as an object or tool. Instead of appreciating this incredible vessel, I used it like a tool. This was not so different than using my body as a pinup model to gain attention, power and validation from men. I would twist my body into uncomfortable positions for photos, and even go under the knife, in order to make myself more desirable. I played the role of the China doll and the hypersexualized Asian girl that fetishists wanted for years. It was the only thing I could do to make myself feel wanted, sexy and in control. Both men and I were violently objectified as a result. The brutality of the fetishization I chose as a teenager shaped both my life and my relationships with men. This led to trauma and depression, dissociation and substance abuse.
