Monday
It’s time to release the Cambridge Dictionary for another year! the new words Already, some of these have been included in the prestigious list! Every year it seems to be quicker. It could be “more quickly”. I’ll get the answer from their grammarians.
This event measures your functional age far better than birthdays and adventures in HRT. How much of the globe do you, literally, still comprehend? I have heard of, and indeed enjoy though have never personally deployed, “delulu” – a play on “delusional”. “Tradwife”, too – which is the practice of monetising all the most boring bits of motherhood and domesticity on Instagram, under the guise of upholding conservative tradition. I think among tradwives, it means “socking the proceeds into a secret bank and flying to Costa Rica when the last child turns 18, but I am yet to confirm this.
Then it gets harder. The “mouse jiggler”, which makes you appear to be working even if you’re not at the office, but is likely to be observed remotely (software) was less harmful than I thought and almost inferable. But “skibidi”, defeated me. The YouTubers’ coinage seems to be both everything and nothing. It can only be used by those who were born into the skibidi. That’s how it should stay. For the rest of us, “bathchair”, “tartan carpet” and “Werther Originals” will remain.
Tuesday
Think of the Prince and Princess, who are soon going to be up their eyes in tape and boxes as they move. prepare to move from Adelaide Cottage on the Windsor Great Park estate to Forest Lodge on … the Windsor Great Park estate.
It’s impossible to imagine a more distant life than the one you live when you can move houses at will and in the same backyard. They have four more bedrooms (otherwise, it wouldn’t be a lodge but just another cottage).Imagine a regular person going through all that stress and expense to move just a few yards away. Although take away the stamp duty, the unreliable movers, the crippling solicitor’s fees, the dealing with utility companies and estate agents – oh, and the sale price, which I didn’t so much forget as find myself unable to conceive of living a life without – and the whole thing becomes instantly feasible. Who knew? Who knew?
Wednesday
We have another new word! This week has been a whirlwind! This time it is “otrovert”. I first thought it had something to do with mouse-jiggling that was not innocent, but it wasn’t. The term was coined by American psychiatrist Rami kaminski to describe people “whose fundamental direction is defined by their inability to face the same way as anyone else”. (He wrote a book on them.) Oh for goodness sake. That’s mostly just your common-or-garden introvert in a world that’s largely extrovert and they’re just facing into a book – leave them alone. They are all simple contrarians and the most annoying people on the planet. They are unable to see past a pre-existing opinion, and they immediately oppose it.
Thursday
As we were talking tangentially about Jungian archetypes, researchers are claiming that almost every activity is more enjoyable in company – even reading. This is more blatant, public propaganda by Big Extrovert to destroy the last refuges of peace in those who do not follow their cacophonous, busy lead.
At this point, we must start pushing back. We can challenge the new claim on a variety of grounds. Is it better to fart in company? It’s funnier, sure, at least for the farter – but beyond that? The law of diminishing benefits sets in quickly, even for detonators. Can masturbation be considered to take place in company, for instance? Is it not subsumed under the category of exhibitionism? The study’s methodology is also interesting: it was conducted with only American participants, the citizens of the world’s most extrovert and camera-ready nation. It is a grave mistake to consider them representative of the entire human race.
Saturday
Common sense and a small understanding of probability theory tells us it is technically possible – but still. Nobody really believes they’ll live to see it, but on their way back from EdinburghWhere was I talking about? my new book (Bookish – available in all good bookshops and maybe some bad ones too, if there is such a thing), I did. It was a great train ride.
No, honestly. No, I have no reason to be lying. When the 11.05 arrived at its scheduled time, I thought that all of my luck in travel was gone. When I boarded, the reservation screens worked and my seat was not taken. The lady sitting next to me read and knitted. As I sat, we smiled at one another. That was all our interaction for the next three-and-a-half hours. The air conditioning kept us comfortable and not sub-arctic. And the buffet was available.
It really happened. I feel I am going to pay for it somehow in the next few days – I am constantly checking the cats for signs of illness and my bank account for fraud – but until then, I shall revere the memory.
